Author: singingpickle

Holy shit. Hi! I’m Maxime, now 22, and I have a pretty great life. I had a random thought last night about this blog, and today, I went on a trip down memory lane. Everything I wrote about was so valid, I feel for my younger self. It was definitely unfair how people treated me, but I don’t blame them honestly. We were all teenagers, and that’s how they all behave. To be perfectly honest, all that shit I went through in high school made me the strong and confident person that I am today. Nobody deserves to be treated like that 100%. It was horrible and I was truly alone, being the only out gay person in a school of hundreds of kids. I was not like the others, and because of that, I didn’t really fit into a clique. I’m proud of myself for persevering through all that shit I went through. Reading all those previous blog entries made me realize that I was a lot more mature than my peers. I was empathetic and forgiving towards people who didn’t deserve it. Honestly, I felt like an average nobody, but my experience in high school was nothing of that sort. Looking back at it, I was different and I was living a life that was not true to myself. Reflecting on it all, I feel like it was the origin story of a main character,

So what has changed since then? Short answer, a fucking lot. Currently, I am a fresh college graduate! I lived in the city and a lot happened over the past four years. I moved back into my parents house for the time being while I find a job, which sucks but it’s only temporary. I am so much more confident and I found myself. I transformed throughout college, and it’s crazy how different I am today compared to 2020 me. I realized my worth, and I began to notice my talents. Remember how I was comparing myself to my college peers? Turns out that each and every one of us had something that we excelled in. I believe that my innate creativity made me stand out both in my work and in the way I present myself. Also, I absolutely do not believe that I’m an average nobody. My identity and background literally makes it impossible for me to be an average nobody. I was raised in India, in a conservative high school, in which I was the only openly gay kid. Not a lot of people have that exact identity in college. I felt proud to have this identity because that struggle has given me personality traits that a lot of people do not have. It makes me a good judge of character honestly. My closest friends today, gay and from different parts of India, have similar identities, and let me tell you we stand out – even in the US where everyone is so driven by their self expression and personal identity. I’ve also learned that there aren’t a lot of gay Indian people. A friend of mine said, “Yeah that only gay Indian people I know are you, Tan (my bestie), and that one guy you hooked up with” *facepalm*

My queerness plays a huge part of my identity, and back in high school I was ashamed of it. Straight brown guys would avoid me like the plague, and spoiler alert, they still do. What has changed though, is that I no longer have the ability to give a flying fuck about what these guys think about me. Throughout my years in college, I have interacted with these straight brown guys, and I will say, there are a lot more guys who are nice and accepting. There are still those guys who call your sense of style “strange” and call you the F slur behind your back. You can truly feel their judgement by the way you get stared at. To be honest, if you are getting these judgmental looks it probably means you’re doing something right. It feels uncomfortable at times, but their thoughts and beliefs don’t define me. It’s funny how they think they can judge you when they’re the literal copy paste of every other brown guy you see on the street. Speaking of being gay, I have a much deeper understanding of the gay community in the US compared to when I was in high school. I’ve met so many gay people, I’ve been on dates, I’ve gone clubbing, I’ve made older gay friends, and here’s what I have learned. Gay people can be so fucking judgmental. Sometimes I feel inferior or not enough because the ideal type when you’re gay in the south is a white twink. Being Indian and gay doesn’t help since there aren’t too many of us, which makes us all the more different. I’m gonna be so honest when I say this but there have been guys I easily mog who rejected me – this is literally the opinion of not just me but my close friends. I’ve learned that I can’t let these standards define me. Honestly, as I grow up, I’m starting to realize that a solid personality is so much more attractive than a pretty face with a boring character. Fortunately or Unfortunately, I have not yet been in a relationship, and I think it’s because I haven’t found anyone who can match my vibe.

Ok next up, friends. I am not in touch with too many of my high school friends, other than Rhonda – love that bitch. There are others who I will message and meet up with when we are in the same place. In fact, last December, I met up with a lot of people who I wasn’t too close with in high school. These were also the ‘popular’ kids, with whom I felt alienated when I tried to hang out with. Honestly, I had a great time. We went clubbing in India, and it was nice seeing how everyone had matured and changed. I didn’t feel left out at all, and I believe it’s because of the self-confidence I built over the past few years. I also met Rhonda, who by the way, is absolutely thriving in her dream job in LA. I am so proud of her because the career path she chose was super risky, but here she is, working full-time in Hollywood in a shit job market, while the rest of us, who picked safer paths, are unemployed as fuck. I am so proud of her and I know that she’s gonna be a lifelong friend of mine. I have made so many friends in college, and the first few semesters, I tried to make as many friends as possible. However towards the end of college, I got really busy with school and my part-time job as a barista, which I learned so much from, so I spent time on fewer friendships that I truly cherished. I had the luxury of picking friendships that I wanted to sustain, which made me realize that it truly is about quality over quantity.

Another thing I found out is that I have ADHD. Add that to my identity and bitchhhh you’ll never find another like me. I remember having uncontrollable binges when it came to videogames, TV shows, and YouTube. I used to think that there was something wrong with me or that I’m lazy and can’t get anything done. Well turns out that it’s because of low dopamine levels caused by ADHD, and these would cause dopamine spikes. Also I was super depressed in college during my sophomore year, and turns out, that depression is super common for people with ADHD. Even today, I have those days in which I rot the whole day on games/TV. I don’t blame myself, it is so hard to navigate life with ADHD, and after trying ADHD meds, that reinforced how this neurodivergence can hinder a lot of things. The way I had to be nerfed with ADHD because if I was neurotypical, I feel like I would be truly unstoppable. My work in college was truly outstanding, but most of it was done super close to the deadline. It makes me wonder how much better these projects could have been if I was medicated or neurotypical. It’s ok though, I’m not upset about it or anything. Everyone has their challenges and dealing with ADHD and this complex identity is mine.

My goals have changed a bit, now that I’m older. I want to move to New York City because I feel a sense of belonging there. People are bold and fashionable, just like me. I still love music and singing, although it has been forever since I touched a piano or practiced singing. I think I’ll definitely get back to it when I have a stable job. I want to experience the next era of my life as an independent adult. Unfortunately, the shit job market is delaying that. Like what the fuck? I had to deal with covid college and when I graduate from a prestigious college with a good degree, none of these bitches are hiring. Fucking hell, I feel like my batch has had it pretty rough. Anyways, NYC is the goal, and maybe LA, if the universe decided to send me there. We’ll see what happens.

I was going through my college Facebook page yesterday, doing the usual stalking of my future college peers. It’s astonishing how a few words on a Facebook post can determine how you feel. Each incoming student is absolutely amazing at one thing or the other. I’ve seen professional gymnasts, football players, artists, and actors. They are amazing at what they do! I also reviewed portfolios with people in my major over a zoom call, and they are incredibly talented. Some of the artworks that I saw looked like pictures. High definition pictures. It blows my mind how good people are at things.

After that shock of realizing how talented my peers are, I felt like shit. I’m good at a lot of things, but I’m not great at them. I’m versatile but not a pro. I’m trying to become a pro at theatre and music, but something or the other comes up and hinders my progress, which sucks.

When people ask me what my biggest fear is, I always respond with the same answer – being average. It’s literally my nightmare.

With all these crazy talented people around me, I can’t help but to feel a little mediocre. I spent a ton of time today to create some long term goals for the next four years in college. It’s my last chance to get it together. I really want to make it big in whatever I do. And the first step to get there is to stop feeling mediocre.

It’s been one week since I said goodbye to my balcony room. To say that I miss the view of my neighbor’s white bougainvillea and the god-awful screams of children is an understatement. I’ve always wanted to live in the US, in the middle of the city, but now that I’m there, it’s not as glamorous as I hoped. It’s fucking lonely. No matter how hot the weather is, walking outside feels cold. The warm, familiar faces of my neighbors aren’t there anymore. They’ve been replaced by faces of colors more than just brown. In short, I feel unwelcome, and I don’t even know why I feel that. Maybe I expected people to give a shit about my presence?

I’m going to college soon, and it hasn’t hit me yet. I’ve been on campus, and I absolutely love it. But, I don’t think I’ve realized that it’s going to be my home for the next four years. I already feel sad about leaving my mom back in India, but it’s going to hurt when both my parents aren’t there anymore. Who will I talk to when I’m feeling like shit? Not my friends because the last time I did that, my friend called me an emotional burden. I’ve got to learn how to deal with my shit by my self. And I really need to meditate so I can control my emotions.

Speaking about college, it’s a scam. There’s so much money that needs to be spent, let alone the tuition. I went dorm shopping today and I felt so guilty picking things that I need because they’re way more expensive than in India. I feel like I don’t deserve anything nice because I haven’t made a name for myself yet. It’s a weird feeling. I don’t like buying things for myself because I feel like I’m a nobody, and money shouldn’t be spent on nobodies? I feel invisible in the world and I want to create an impact and be known. But, my mind makes this weird thought of me not deserving shit pop up a lot. Like, until I make a name for myself and earn money for myself, I don’t deserve nice things. It’s so weird to type it out. I feel like a waste of resources because I feel like my future is going to suck? So why invest in a flop? I need to figure this shit out because it’s unhealthy.

Remember how I said 2020 can’t get worse? Well… I have to get an ear surgery… during college. It’s honestly not a big deal but it’s going to happen during the beginning of college, which is super annoying. I feel like it doesn’t affect me too much, but apparently my subconscious is stressed out about it because I’ve had two nightmares about the surgery in a row. Again, I need to meditate because I don’t like waking up stressed.

A good thing that I’ve been doing is working out. Like crazy. Every single day. That’s kind of weird for me because in India, I’d skip days and be lazy as fuck. But now that I’m here, I realized how small and skinny I look. Everyone is super tall and super ripped and super attractive and super fit. I’ve always wanted a nice body, but the existence of all these perfect, hot men makes me want in more, and fast. This weird obsession is making me over cautious about the food I eat. I’m in the US, a place where obesity plagues 30% of the population, thanks to the abundance of high-calorie, junk food. Sure, I don’t feel tempted to eat all that trash, but I keep looking at the calories and nutritional value of the food that I want to eat. When I see my body in the mirror, I closely inspect every inch of it. If it’s a little more bloated, I feel guilty about the food I ate. It’s so toxic and I need to get out of that mindset.

I’m also quarantined in a tiny hotel room with my dad. I literally can’t sing. It’s been so long since I sang, and I feel bad about it. I want to resume, but I feel like I can’t be alone to practice. There’s literally no room I can hide my voice in. I have a small voice in my head screaming “you need to sing!” but I literally can’t, and that feeling of being unable to do what I want makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs.

There’s a lot happening right now, and I need to deal with my unhealthy thoughts. Writing my feelings out really helps with that. I know this situation feels overwhelming to me right now, but it will pass. Hopefully soon.

I’m so fucking tired of being such a shitty singer. It’s so fucking hard. Like super hard, and it hurts. I’ve been trying to get this fucking mixed voice for ages, and it never ends up working, and my practice results in a busted throat. I hate this stupid fucking bitch called the mixed voice. Literally, how the fuck do you achieve it? I’ve watched tons AND TONS of videos, bought online courses and literally, none of it seems to work. I’m so fed up, and I’m at that point where you’re about to cry, when your emotions are peaking. After you cry, you feel better, but I can’t cry, so I’m just stuck with that overwhelming pile of frustration that makes me want to kill a bitch. I’ve been singing for 3 years now, and I’m absolute trash.

I want to be on Broadway, I want to start a singing channel, and I want to write songs. See what a fucked up situation I am in? I want to be a singer, but I can’t fucking sing. I’m literally good at everything else, or I could get good at things easily. I’m super smart, I’m creative and there are so many hobbies and subjects that I excel in. But I’ve got a passion for singing, and it appears that I absolutely suck at it. I literally want to smash everything I see right now. I’m so fucking frustrated, and I’m so fucking done.

Literally, if there is any god out there, please fucking help me. I’m so over this bullshit. It fucking hurts and is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. Just give me what I’m fucking trying to find! PLEASE! I’m so fed up, frustrated and just fucking over it. Fuck this mixed voice bullshit.

I feel like the most useless human being on the planet. When I think about the people I know, everyone has some really good and distinct skills. People are amazing at art, music, public speaking, programming, etc, etc. Like literally everyone is so talented? I don’t feel like I have any distinct skills, but it may not seem like that for other people. I play the piano fairly well, and I guess I can draw. I’m really trying to sing tho, and I think this whole ‘revelation’ that I’m useless came from today’s super shitty singing practice session.

I’m gonna hop to singing for a sec now. I have these phases, like a sine graph. I have these insane peaks when all I want to do is sing, but there are these low troughs, when I don’t want to do anything, let alone sing. It’s a weird situation, and I feel like I burn myself out too quickly. Well I took a four day break from singing to play this game, and today, I returned and I felt like it sounded terrible. Mind you, I have NOT recorded myself because that last time I did, I sunk into a phase of depression, and it took forever for me to regain the confidence to sing again. I just don’t feel like I’m improving, and writing all this makes this sad feeling well up in my chest. I know I’m being impatient and I need to sing WAY more to get good, but I don’t want to wait that long. Honestly, I wish I had a sign that I was improving to help me build confidence. Maybe I get burnt out because I feel like there’s no improvement.

Basically, I just want to fucking sing well and perform ASAP. I just want Broadway so bad. I was talking to Rhonda, and she gave me some pretty good tips. Instead of wasting all my time bingeing YouTube in quarantine, I could work on skills related to music, like music production. I might make my own songs? I’ll post them here for sure. I just need to force myself to practice my singing so that I can reach my end goal of performing.

Going back to feeling useless – I need to do something productive with my damn life! I say that I will, but I end up wasting time. I realize that I fucked up when it’s super late, and then I’m like “Tomorrow will be better.” But honestly, I feel like I’m at the cusp of getting my shit together. I have a good feeling that I’ll spend the rest of my quarantined summer well., but I may be wrong. I’ll make an update post for that.

I feel like blogging is a nice outlet for me. I really like pretending like I’m talking to someone because, let’s be honest, my friends would HATE me if I burden them with all my problems.

So I think I got my point across. I feel useless, I need to get my shit together, and I need get good at music before college. I don’t know if it works out, but I’m going to make an oath, right here, right now.

I will spend my time wisely to develop skills, like singing, that will help me in the long run. I will work hard and focus on my singing and try to keep myself motivated. My future self will thank me for this.

So that’s all I wanted to say!

I’m going to start about how fucked up this year was. I started the year ready to ace IB. I was prepared to graduate, attend my first prom, and travel with my friends. I had plans, and I was super excited to have fun. But, that all ended when the coronavirus started spreading. Now, I’m sitting in my house, with nothing to do because my finals got canceled. I feel a little lost. With all that time, I have hours and hours to get lost in my thoughts.

At the beginning of 12th grade, I lost all motivation to pursue music and singing. I didn’t sing much at all during the past year, but something clicked. Now, I want to excel again, but I feel like I’ve lost so much time.

With so much time in lockdown, I stumbled across this very strange genre of youtube videos – tarot card reading. Let me tell you one thing, I am NOT spiritual at all, but this card reading thing REALLY spooked me. I watched five videos about what your future self wants to tell you, and every SINGLE video said the SAME THING. *mindblown* One thing that they said was that I need to be persistent and develop skills to reach my dream – which is to get on Broadway! I need to develop my singing, dancing, and acting to get there one day. The videos said that I will face tons of obstacles, but I need to be persistent in reaching my dreams. They also said some other pretty accurate things about me, which also blew my mind.

Another thing the videos said was that I was going in a direction that is not where I deep down want to go towards. They said that I was attached, and it was hard to let go, but to be successful, I need to let go. At first, I thought it was complete bullshit, but then I spoke to Rhonda, my absolute best friend and love of my life, and something clicked. I am going to college in the fall, pursuing a major in Industrial Design. I honestly love the idea of Industrial Design, and I think it’s an exciting field, but I never realized until today that I don’t want to pursue that as a career. I always looked at Industrial Design as a backup, in case I fail to pursue Broadway. I think what really confirms that I would much rather pursue a theatre degree is that I want to be the very best in theatre. The best in the field. I want to be unique, and I want to stand out in Broadway. I don’t feel this way about Industrial Design.

I had this epiphany literally a few minutes ago, and I have this heavy feeling in my chest. Broadway is my passion, and I will continue to work my ass off for it. But, I’m just so scared. I need to make a game plan to help me focus on what I need to do. I just hope one day in the future, I can inspire people with the story of my insanely difficult journey to Broadway.

You should watch this video, it pretty much describes how I’ve been feeling.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m throwing away my time like it’s free. I can’t stand doing my school work. I hate it so much. so much. I hate the sight of my economics textbook, the thought of physics makes me want to hurl, and I feel lost in my math class. Going to school is like torture. I hate the subjects I take, I wish I took better subjects.

I’m applying to college this year. My applications are suffering because of me. Everything is last minute, and I need to stop doing that. I need to get slapped in the face by realization; I’m taking things way too easily.

My friends still kinda suck, I don’t blame them. Just to be clear, I have friends, but I’m not in a group. When I try to involve myself in a group, I feel like if I dropped dead at that very moment, nobody would realize. It’s got to the point where I’m really doubting myself as a human being. Why do people dislike me? Is there something wrong with me? Vijay’s a bitch. She just needs to pick on me when she gets the chance doesn’t she? I can’t look past all the pain she caused me. It hurts even more when your friends still hang out with her, after all the shit she did to me.

My insecurities pretty much control me. I avoid mirrors. I feel like every single person around me is so beautiful, I just feel like that ugly smudge on a masterpiece of a painting.

I want a bright future for myself. I want to get casted in a Broadway show. I want to create a Youtube channel. I want to be a part-time designer. I want to be an entrepreneur. What I’m doing right now makes me feel like I’m straying from my goals. All these school assignments are due right before midterms and college app deadlines. Everything is due. But I’m doing nothing. I feel like an empty juice pouch, drained and tossed in the trash. And I can’t get myself out.

I stopped singing. I just have too many things to do. I want to start so bad, but I’ve got important exams coming up. But honestly, if I could replace my Youtube time with singing, I would be a professional. I say I have a lot of shit to do, but I still binge Youtube, and I fuck everything up. Then I get no time to sing or do anything productive. I’ve got no excuses, I do this to myself.

It’s a drug, and it’s killing me. I go without it for maybe 3 days, then the impulse controls me and lures me back into the digital world. I’m watching my life away. It’s so damn hard to stop. At this point, I just don’t feel like trying anymore.

The lyrics of the song really hit me.

“I’m invisible to bright lights
Just standing on the sideline waiting for a standing ovation
That I know just isn’t mine”

I watched my friends sing and perform yesterday. That feeling of “I could’ve been there” is the worst feeling in the world. I was standing in the crowd, hoping one day to be under that spotlight. I lived vicariously through their experiences, but that just flooded with me with regret and pain.

Self-pity is poison. But it’s comforting. I know I should stop, but I don’t want to be happy today. I don’t deserve to be happy until I reach my dream.

My life is like a sine graph, but the peaks are sparse. I had only one this year. My life is sinking in the trough. 2019 has been the worst year of my life, and I can’t fucking wait to say bye. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I hope things work for me, otherwise, I might as well give up and live an average, dull life.

About 3 years ago, I fell in love with music. My perspective entirely transformed, and I felt like I found meaning or purpose in life.
About 3 years ago, I was an awkward little boy, who was terrified about what people think about him. I literally had never sung before in my life. It was then my insecurities sprouted to become the forest of self-insecurity today.
About 3 years ago, I left a small piece of paper on my mother’s desk, asking her to help me find my voice by getting me a singing teacher. As dumb as this may sound, it was the hardest thing that an awkward, self-conscious kid could have done. I had this mental block against singing and being vulnerable to my parents, I don’t know why.

Till early this year, my dream was to become a huge pop star. I wanted to tour the world, singing my songs, and having fans who love my voice. I constantly visualized it until I knew it would happen. That ‘if’ became a ‘when.’ I was so convinced that I was going to make it that I kinds got overconfident and barely practiced. As embarrassing as it sounds, I thought I was pretty good. I could hear myself sing, and it wasn’t even bad! Well, at least I didn’t hate what I heard. I kept thinking, “Oh, I have a lot of time before I make it big”, so I assumed I had time. But that meaning of ‘time’ changed overnight when I had mustered the courage to record myself singing. Just like that, with a tap on the play button, I was traumatized. What I heard was an abomination. I realized that I had wasted so much time not practicing because I thought I was good.

I stopped singing for a long while after that.

After my midterms, during my summer, I got introduced to musical theatre. And I fell in love for the second time. But this time, it was different. I always liked drama and acting, and combining it with music was something I never considered. Suddenly, my dreams of being a pop star changed into becoming a Broadway star. And that feeling of purpose and meaning grew stringer than ever.

I was singing during this time, but not consistently. I was practicing one day, and I remembered something my teacher had told me. He said that if I slack off and skip singing days, I will see no progress. Time was running out, especially since I want to major in musical theatre. I think something must’ve clicked because, since the end of July, I sang as frequently as I could. I pushed myself, and I could see improvements finally!

Today, I am pushing hard as ever, even through the times of extreme discouragement. There are always times when I feel like giving up because of how much I hate my voice. In fact, one painful realization happened the day before yesterday. I was singing in my music class, and I felt discouraged and sad, and my singing was pretty bad, and I knew it. Then I proceeded to record it. Recording yourself when you know you sound like shit it a bad, BAD idea. After class, I listened to the recording, and for a second, I might’ve considered killing myself. It was nasal and terrible. In fact, the word ‘terrible’ would be an incredible understatement. In fact, the word ‘incredible’ is such a weak word to describe how much of an understatement the word ‘terrible’ is.

One thing that I didn’t do like I did earlier this year was quit. I know I still sound like shit. I know I’m going to have to work my ass off for this. Because I belong on Broadway.

I am a fortunate guy. I got the smart genes from my parents, and I have some wonderful and genuine features. I am sensitive, kind, funny, social, and mentally stable (most of the time). Being creative, and I could make a phenomenal designer or architect. I could just focus on using these advantages and create a life for myself. But that’s not what my heart aches for. Since I was given all these advantages, I need to have some drawbacks or disadvantages to compensate. And my disadvantage is my extremely underdeveloped and terrible voice that I am working on. To some people, my struggle may seem like such a dumb thing to cry about. But to me, it’s the purpose of my life.

Right now, I may be a not so great singer, but I am going to work the hardest I ever have in my entire life to make my voice sound amazing. I don’t think my voice is as terrible as it was when I started, but I know that I’m not there yet. I know I’m gonna make it on Broadway. I am not going to fucking give up because this is what I want in my life.

Now in a few years, my dream changes and I don’t want to be on Broadway anymore, do not think I never made it. When I use the words ‘make it,’ I don’t mean get big on Broadway but achieve my life’s goal. Right now it’s Broadway, but if it changes in the future, that doesn’t mean I failed. Whatever my dream is, I’m going to make it.

Well, it been a while. It’s been a whole year since the last post and a TON has changed. And I’m going to tell you the most significant moments of this past year, in chapters. Mainly the drama. Spoiler alert: The backstabbing doesn’t stop.

I. Rhonda
The only best thing that happened to me all year was Rhonda. We really became friends during the school CAS trip to Prague. My first interaction with her was on the first day of eleventh grade. We were in the same economics class (I hate economics), and we spoke quite a bit, and I thought she was super sweet. I also learned that Ritz, one of my closest friends who moved to the US, and Rhonda were really good friends, and I felt like I was kinda talking to Ritz when I was hanging out with Rhonda. Keep in mind that at the beginning of eleventh grade, I wanted to make a million friends, so I don’t feel lonely like the years before and so I don’t get depressed if I have no one to talk to. Because of my crazy endeavor to make hundreds of friends, I couldn’t develop my friendship with my new ‘friends.’ So, whenever I’d see her, I would smile and have some small talk.

I made another friend called Vijay, who would soon backstab me and spread ridiculous rumors about me. We were super close, and we hung out all the time. I finally thought I had a concrete squad: Me, Paululuh, Shashi, Abhi, and Vijay. However, over time, the squad broke up, mainly because everyone else found ‘better’ friends. Yet, I was still close to Abhi and Vijay. On Halloween, I actually invited Rhonda to come trick or treating with us. She told me that she had no plans for Halloween and I felt terrible, so I invited her. When I told Vijay and a bunch of other friends, they looked at me like I killed a baby. Then I was told a lot of ‘facts’ (In brackets because they were all FALSE) about Rhonda, and how weird and touchy she was. How she was annoying, boring, bitchy and contributed nothing to a conversation (Vijay straight up told me a story about how Rhonda fat-shamed her, again FALSE). All these facts were supported by a group of my friends that I like to call the bitch squad. (The new girls mad a friend group and HATED Rhonda because of all the nonsense that Vijay had told them). So everything subtle that Rhonda did, like tap your shoulder, the bitch squad would amplify and say “Ew, she’s so touchy I think she’s lesbian.” And I believed them. So I distanced myself from Rhonda.

It was painful seeing how the bitch squad treated her. I hated how they got up and ran from their lunch table the minute Rhonda’s plate touched the surface, like a gunshot and birds. I hated watching her try to talk to them, but just get ignored at the end. But I didn’t say anything because I trusted the bullshit that the bitch club spewed at me, making Rhonda seem like a terrible person.

Fast-forward to March 2019. Our school took us on a CAS trip to Prague! Hands down, the best time of my life. On the way to Prague, during our layover, I was all alone because most of my friends didn’t volunteer to come on this trip. So obviously, I was alone! I thought I could hang out with Paululuh, but he had his own group, and I didn’t feel like I belonged there, so I backed off. I saw that Rhonda was alone as well, so I just hung out with her because I desperately did not want to seem like a loner.

Immediately, we connected and became super close, talking about our lives, our similarities, and Ritz. I was kinda sad then so I opened up about feeling lonely, and over like 30 minutes, I was crying because of unfairly I treated her. I confronted her about the rumors that I heard about her, and she confirmed with me that all the bullshit they said was FALSE. Everything that I had thought about her was all FALSE. I was avoiding her for no reason. I had avoided my current best friend!

So throughout the Prague trip, Rhonda and I got super close, and now I tell her everything, I mean everything. I also met these amazing seniors from Virginia, and we literally became so close in like 5 days. Basically, I was super happy in Prague because I didn’t feel lonely and I had someone to hang out with all the time. And because of my good mood, I completely forgot about my mental block (It’s magnitude changes with my mood; when I’m sad, my mental block is enormous, and I pass up on opportunities, and I get even more depressed, so it’s just an endless cycle of getting sadder and sadder. But when I am happy, the block kinda vanishes, and I become my unapologetic happy self, and that’s the best) I even pole danced at a dance party, which I would never do because of my fucking mental block. I was just so open and happy, and I didn’t have any mental restrains.

After Prague, Rhonda and I have been inseparable. I love her to bits, and I wish I had spoken to her earlier.

II. Mental Block
Today is Teacher’s day, and there was a fun event at my school in which the students perform dances, songs, etc. We have this every year, and I never perform. People think I don’t want to perform, but I really do. I really regret not performing this time. I didn’t know that the twelfth graders would be dancing this year, and if I was asked, I don’t know what I would say. I would hope I say yes, but I might actually say no because of one person in the audience: my sister. I know for a fact that she is extremely judgemental, just like me.

I don’t know what is wrong with my brain. I just have this stupid mental block that makes me insanely judge people when they sing, or dance or act really severely. My mind instills a sense of ‘cringe’ in me, and I wish it didn’t. What makes me say no to opportunities like this is the thought of me doing the performance so severely that my sister would feel that same sense of cringe. I know it sounds super stupid, but my mind criminally judges people to the extent that I physically feel that ‘cringe’ and I know my sister does it too. I desperately wish I could change this cripplling state of my mind! I don’t know what it is, like why should I care about what my dumb sister thinks! I usually don’t care about what people think, but when it comes to things like singing and dancing, I am completely vulnerable, and I guess I am terrified of having my vulnerable side judged. And I’m scared of being judged by my family. That’s why my family will be the last to hear my singing. I’m just afraid of being seen as that one guy who’s an awful singer or a really awkward dancer.

I hate myself for giving up opportunities like this. I wish I had that courage and guts to go and just put myself out there. It’s really ironic because I have to do that for my dreams of being on Broadway. I am just disappointed that I couldn’t do anything for my last teacher’s day in school. I really hope I change in college and grasp each opportunity given to me, but again, I am scared that I won’t change, and I’ll remain awkward and still in my shell.

I really can’t explain how messed up my mind is. I really want this scared of judgment thing to stop. It’s really preventing me from my potential. Whether it’s socializing or dancing, I am just scared that I will end up awkward AND I HATE THAT. Why can I just not give a damn? Why can’t I just accept the fact that I may fail sometimes, and that’s okay? It’s like a mental restraint. I feel like my true self is constrained by the chains of my mind.

I really need to fix this because it’s a hindrance in my life. Something as simple as saying “Hi” or “Happy Teacher’s Day” to someone I am not super close to becomes a mental debate. And I end up not doing it, which I regret. I just want to put myself out there, and be unafraid or be unashamed, but I just can’t. I need to fix it because I can’t deal with it anymore.

III. Friends
At the beginning of eleventh grade, just a year ago, I thought I would finally find my group and find a pair of loyal friends, but a year later, I can say it didn’t happen.

Initially, I hung out with Shashi, Paululuh, Abhi, and Vijay. I thought we created a squad, and in fact, we called ourselves the SPAM squad. I was incredibly happy, I mean I just had the worst summer, which included my falling out with Eksäe.

But obviously, they all made different friends and got included into separate groups, ditching me. Well, I’m used to it. So there was me again, without a friend group, but I did have friends who I am very grateful for. But when I tried to hang out with them in their friend group, I’d feel left out and get ditched. So, I used to jump from friend to friend when they weren’t in their group. I got used to the feeling of being almost invisible in a group where you don’t belong.

The biggest backstab was from Vijay. In the second term of 2019, one of my longest known friend Ray was going through a tough time with depression. He clung onto Ray for support, sharing his deepest insecurities to her. She took it at first, then over time, she got fed up and blocked him out of his life. I was torn because She was one of my closest friends that year, and so was Ray. I had no idea what to do, so I kept quiet while listening to her ranting about how badly she wished Ray would die. She told me she wouldn’t care if Ray died. She told me she would be happy. I couldn’t take that bullshit from her anymore, so I slightly backed away and didn’t hang out with her as much.

During the same time, Abhi, Vijay and I had created the secondary music club, after we were denied the entry to the existing music club. The music teacher didn’t let us join the music club because we didn’t sign up during the first class. So we decided to create our own. Back to the point, when Vijay was stabbing Ray with her words, the secondary music club was organizing a Battle of the Bands competition, that somehow I wasn’t involved in. Vijay had taken the lead and organized the competition without including me, another leader of the music club. She included Abhi but didn’t tell me a word about it. Eventually, I found out, and I confronted her. She lied several times about not including me with terrible excuses that she pulled out of her ass. Finally, the real reason she didn’t include me still makes me fume: “You have too much going on your college application, and I needed something to put on mine.” I was furious and so mad at Abhi as well because she didn’t stand up for me. I felt so betrayed, I had to expose that girl for doing that to me. What’s even funnier is that Vijay spread the worst-made rumors I have ever heard. Obviously, nobody believed her, but they were still hurtful. She went around telling people that I hated them or backtalked them. And she even went on to say things that I did not even say! I always told her I had a weird feeling about one of her friends, and I wanted her to be careful. But she used that against me telling everyone that I backtalked about her friend. I was shook. Why did I ever become her friend? I have no idea, but I stopped talking to her a week later.

Today, I still find it hard to feel included in a group. You might think I am antisocial, but I really am not. I think I am quite social, and I love talking and making new friends. As of now, I have a lot of people I can talk to. I made new friends with Rhonda and a bunch of other people. I was always in touch with Abhi and Lexi. I am in good terms with Eksäe and Vijay, I occasionally talk to them. With Eksäe, whenever I am around her, my heart doesn’t ache like it used to, it feels happy because I get to speak to someone I used to love so dearly. Obviously, I still miss her, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m really proud of where she is today. Vijay, on the other hand, we talk occasionally. She seems really distant with everyone, I think she’s going through a hard time right now, and if she needs anything, I will help her. I think I finally was able to forgive her for doing that to me. My friendship with Hannah faded a long time ago, but that’s okay. People get bored.

I regret taking Ritz for granted. I really miss her more than I ever did. It would’ve been absolutely amazing if she was here. I tried texting her, but she’s a terrible texter, and she’s also really busy. I know she appreciates me, at least I think she does.

IV. Teacher’s Day

Like I explained somewhere above, we had a Teacher’s Day celebration today. And I regret not performing. Each year I watch my friends perform thinking that I should’ve performed. I saw Ham, Hannah, Lexi and a bunch of others sing, and that kinda felt like a stab to the gut. Because I want that to be me. I want to sing loud and proud on a stage without an ounce of fear, but I still don’t feel like I am good enough. I also saw literally half of the entire grade perform a dance, and I felt like I should’ve joined them. I don’t know why I do this to myself like there are so many things that I want to do, but my insecurities find a way to create an excuse to not participate in them.

I felt awful and didn’t have the guts to wish my teachers a happy teacher’s day because I didn’t perform for them. My depressed mind state just wouldn’t let me talk or socialize. Our entire grade was taking photos after the performances in their beautiful costumes, but I didn’t join because I didn’t feel like I belonged there. I didn’t show my teachers that I was grateful for them, unlike everyone else. I was drowning in my regret and the feeling of not fitting in.

So, instead of socializing, I am sitting on the floor in the corner of the physics lab, next to a trashcan on the verge of tears. Today was miserable, and I caused it upon myself.

V. Insecurities

Ever look at your face and see every single flaw and wish you could change them like how you can slide each feature of a face in the sims? Because it sucks. I hate my asymmetrical face, I hate my acne and pimples, I hate my shaggy beard, I hate the ways my eyes stick out, I hate my weak chin, I hate my non-existant jawline, I hate my skin, I hate the discoloration around my mouth, I hate my impossible-to-be-more-crooked nose, I hate my lips, I hate my weird ears, I hate my skinny arms and legs, I hate my fat stomach, I hate my body, I hate my slouch, I hate my mole on my hand, I hate my skinny forearms, I hate my hairy arms, I hate my jutting out ribs, I hate my appearance.

I don’t know what happened to my ego in eighth grade. I honestly thought I was the hottest guy in school back then, till I realized how hideous I was. I hated the way I thought so highly of myself, but to be honest, I would rather have that mindset than this one.

It is really unhealthy how I feel about myself. I avoid mirrors as much as possible, but when I do look at the mirror, I try to find ways to make myself look better. My insecurities are terrible, but I have to live with them. I think the best way I cope with them is to imagine myself super hot. I try to trick myself into believing that I am a much hotter person than I am, and do not look any reflecting surface. So, I feel fine the entire day. I don’t look at mirrors to remind me of my infinite flaws, so my days go great. But every night, I observe my face. I push my skin this way or that way, just trying to make my face more symmetric. I pull my eyebrows up, making them temporarily arch. I bend my nose, making it less crooked. I suck my cheeks in to make myself seem like I have nice cheekbones. But internally, I am just dissatisfied with the way I look.

I never get compliments. Nobody tells me I look good. But I always tell them that they look beautiful. Literally, everyone I look at is so attractive, even the ‘ugly’ ones. Everyone has such nice features, but I have been plagued with mine.

VI. Singing

I made a promise to myself that I would be singing in last year’s talent show against Ham. I said that I would outshine him and get a fantastic standing ovation. Again, that obviously didn’t happen. Until one month ago, I was under the illusion that I would become an amazing singer with little to no hard work. I barely sang, maybe once or twice a week. I don’t know how I thought I would get results. During, august, I amped up my practicing. I sang more often, and I tried to sing every day. I love it, but I want to see results, and I want to perform.

I still am after this mixed voice. It’s so annoying because I still haven’t developed it yet. I promised myself that I would start singing out and proud once I find that mixed voice. But I haven’t, so I’m still a closeted singer, who sings in his parent’s bathroom, with the bedroom door locked, and the fans put on high speed to muffle his voice. I found myself screaming and crying out of frustration the other day. I just am tired of trying without any results. It makes me so unenthusiastic, but I know I have to struggle to get there.

I think I am at the most significant disadvantage as a singer. I had never sung in my entire life, not even for fun with the radio or with my friends, until about two years ago. So my voice was extremely underdeveloped. So the work that I have to put in is much more than those who sang for fun their entire life. That fucking sucks but if I have to put work into it, I will.

My mental block is stopping me from singing out. I feel caged. I don’t like the sound of my voice, I cringe at the sound of it. But I am getting used to it. I want to publish a singing transformation video one day, and I can’t wait.

I am trying so hard to improve. I dream of performing on Broadway one day. I know it’s gonna happen and I’m gonna work my ass off for it. But there are days when I question myself. Today may be one of them. But I know in the long run, whatever I do will get me to my dream in Broadway. I can literally see myself there. I visualize it every day while I doze off in bed.

 

Life is incredibly complex. I would have to write about a million more posts to cover one aspect of mine. But writing about the most significant (negative) events in my life is kinda therapeutic. It’s like I’m talking to a friend, who never judges me.

I think that’s most of it. I have so much more to say, but that’s for later. I really like writing these blogs. I can’t believe I forgot about it for a year. Guess I got busy. Well, hopefully, I will be uploading more posts in the future. Okay, goodbye.

 

 

I’m Maxime, 16, and I have a sad life. I’m an aspiring musician who isn’t good enough. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super privileged to have been born into such a caring family, and I should be happy. But, I don’t have an outlet to express myself, except in music, which I’m unfortunately not good enough at.

Let’s being in Middle school where the problems begin. Sixth grade and Seventh grade were alright. I was a very antisocial, awkward and shy guy and I didn’t mind that, at least I didn’t mind that then. Although, I didn’t have too many friends and my only friends (and their leader, Bob) used to tease me quite a bit. It became so extensive that when they picked on someone else, I’d tease them too, just so that I don’t get targeted. (Keep in mind that teasing is not equal to bullying, but this teasing was just too much for a small kid) I remember once, on my birthday in seventh grade, some kid was cheating in laser tag, and me, being the competitive child I am, got annoyed. After the game, I was literally cornered by everyone at that party, who were manipulated by Bob, and was being abused at for being a spoilsport. I’m sorry, but a 12-year-old can’t handle being ganged up on, on his birthday, so I stormed out sobbing. It got worse. The next few weeks of school, people would not stop teasing me for crying and running off. That sucked. Every friend group I was in, no matter how small, would always forget about me like I was an invisible dead weight. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t do anything. All this was the source of my insecurity and lack of self-confidence.

Eighth grade was a weird time. The only good thing was that I met Avi (stubborn but super caring and sweet, accepting, confident), one of my closest friends today. A lot of my ‘friends’ from sixth and seventh grade left to the US and forgot about me. And I was stuck with a person who plays a significant role in my life, let’s say his name is Ham. Ham (egotistical, loud, thought he was Mr. steal yo girl, self-obsessed and arrogant) was the center of attention, and he picked on me along with this really creepy guy called Raj (really annoying, bully, rude and stubborn). It got really weird at times, especially when they said something really offensive that included my sister. In addition to that, Raj legitimately made me ten times more self-conscious one day but asking strangers to distinguish the more attractive one of us. I’ve got so many more weird stories, but that’s for another post. So these guys teased me a lot. They ditched me so many times it hurt. What also sucked is that every secret I told anyone was spread around, by Ham and Raj, until it came back to me, along with unbearable embarrassment. I could’ve stayed away from them and got new friends, but I was antisocial and extremely introverted. So I had to go to school and get teased every day. Fun. All this was the source of my lack of self-love and my trust issues.

When I moved into high school, 9th and the beginning of 10th grade were the absolute worst. In the summer of eighth grade, Avi introduced me to Eksae (sweet, kind, extra, drama queen, love) and realized we were going to be in the same class. So my only friend was Eksäe. I love her. I love her. I love her. She was the absolute best friend I have ever had. There was something that just clicked, and we became best friends. We were so close that people thought we were dating. (little did they know…) We told each other everything, and we made a pact called the Melissa Pact, which was created to ensure our friendship for life. (Spoiler alert: Melissa died) She was also the first-ever person I told that I am gay. So 9th grade was okay. However, Eksäe couldn’t just hang out with me 24/7. She had other friends. And during the time she was gone, guess who had no friends? Me. Ham got jealous of me because I was so close to Eksäe (He liked her) and the teasing never stopped. A few months into 9th grade, Avi left our friend group, and that fragile group fell apart when Raj left. That was a bittersweet moment, Raj was gone, but that meant I was alone. So for the rest of grade 9, I had no one except for Eksäe, but I was happy when I was with her. Also, in January of grade 9, I got a feeling where I wanted to learn to sing. That’s when my passion for music began. However, since I was a shy guy, I didn’t ask my mom for vocal lessons until the summer.

Fast forward to 10th grade, probably the happy years of life. I met Lexi and Ritz and cut out Ham from my life. One day, while eating at our lunch table, Ham spat while talking and I made a joke out of it (He just spits a lot while talking). He then had the audacity to voluntarily spit a massive ball of spit right at my face. I had enough. I got up, stormed, and sat at a table where Eksäe, Lexi, and Ritz were seated. Trust me, it took me a great deal of courage to sit at that table. I ranted about what had happened and ever since then, I’ve been sitting at Lexi and Ritz’s table. We became best friends. Further down the line, I met Hannah. She wrote Tay Tay my bae all over my school diary, and that’s basically how we became friends. She also became one of my best friends. Eksäe also became an even closer best friend of mine, and I loved her to bits. The only reason I could talk to these new people was that I went to a confident communicator class, where I was forced to become more confident, and I loved it. So the first half of grade 10 was pretty decent.

The Igcse boards approached closer. Eksäe and Hannah cut me out because they were stressed for these final exams. It made me especially sad that Eksäe cut me out, but I thought it would get better. Plus, I had Ritz and Lexi. This was the beginning of a tragic path of pain.

During the summer of 11th grade, I was loaded with internships. That made me extremely stressed. Also, there were piles of SAT work. I expected my friends and me to meet up during the summer. And I had made many proposals and plans to do so, but they just ended up with big fat rejection. The worst part is that I saw on Eksäe, Hannah and Lexi’s story, on Instagram, that they were partying throughout and making new friends without me and it hurt. Eksäe stopped Skype calling me, and I felt ignored. I told her very subtly that she was hurting me by ignoring me, and she got mad. We met and tried to resolve it, but we both knew that nothing got fixed. Eksäe had changed. She looked at me in a completely different way that I hated. I missed the 9th grade us.

When 11th grade started, I knew I had to make new friends, and I did. I met Shashi, Paululuh, Abhi, Vijay, and a bunch of other new kids, and I seemed and felt popular for once. But there was also sadness. A couple of my close friends moved out, including Ritz, who grew so close to me and I miss her every day. Hannah got bored with me and made new friends. Something was missing from my relationship with Eksäe. She changed. And so, I only had Lexi. As the days went by, Eksäe and started fighting and eventually talked it out, concluding that we both changed and that “We’d be there for each other.” So the beef between Eksäe and I was cleared, but there was still something missing from our relationship. She continued to forget about me in school, never called me, posted new pictures with other people, and when we talked, there would be an uncomfortable silence, or she’d just talk about how she loves someone else. And so, I watched Eksäe slowly drift away from me, breaking my heart into a million pieces. There was never a day where my heart ached for her.

Today was Eksäe’s birthday party. I was invited. It was a terrible day. She ignored me. I barely spoke to her. The party was fun because I spent time with Shashi, Paululuh, Abhi, and Vijay, but after they left, I was invisible. At the after-party, no matter how hard I tried to be in the conversation, I was cut off or never heard. Hannah and Lexi didn’t talk to me either. They were too busy making friends with other people. What’s even more annoying is that those other people didn’t realize I existed, no matter how hard I tried to talk to them. They were too busy making friends while they ignored their once ‘best friend.’ Eksäe came later to the after-party, and when I saw her, I went to give her a hug with my arms open because I was so depressed about being ignored and she walked right passed me and didn’t even look at me. My already broken heart broke even more.

Eksäe was my best friend. I was replaced by Hannah. So Eksäe and Hannah are now best friends. Eksäe and I were best friends. Now, we’re just friends. The way her attitude changed towards me just makes me cry. She speaks to everyone with a huge smile and with significant interest,  but with me, she speaks with her phone in her hand and with boredom. When I try to make a joke, she doesn’t laugh like she used to, and when I cry, she tells me to get over it rather than comfort me like she used to. Hannah got bored with me. She actually treats me like I’m invisible when I’m sitting right next to her. Lexi is just social. She can’t stay away from socialization. So guess who’s lonely again. Surprise it’s me.

It’s impossible to write a post about how I’m feeling. All this just scratches the surface. If I could write everything I feel, I might as well write a 7 book series that people would actually read  (probably not).

Today I’ve learned that no matter what, nobody will be there for me. It’s just me against the world. I put too much into other people and get nothing back in return. Last year, I got Eksäe a 50 dollar necklace saying how much she meant to me, and I got a chocolate bar in return for my birthday. I spent so much time getting Eksäe a gift and wrapping it and writing a heartfelt message only to be ignored entirely. During that party, I was looking after all those drunk people and asking their friends how they were, only to be ignored completely in that stupid after-party where I actually spoke so loud trying to be noticed. And then I just gave up. I guess I’m not cool enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough, not trendy enough, not exciting enough, not attractive enough, not popular enough. Not good enough.

Is this what I deserve?