Holy shit. Hi! I’m Maxime, now 22, and I have a pretty great life. I had a random thought last night about this blog, and today, I went on a trip down memory lane. Everything I wrote about was so valid, I feel for my younger self. It was definitely unfair how people treated me, but I don’t blame them honestly. We were all teenagers, and that’s how they all behave. To be perfectly honest, all that shit I went through in high school made me the strong and confident person that I am today. Nobody deserves to be treated like that 100%. It was horrible and I was truly alone, being the only out gay person in a school of hundreds of kids. I was not like the others, and because of that, I didn’t really fit into a clique. I’m proud of myself for persevering through all that shit I went through. Reading all those previous blog entries made me realize that I was a lot more mature than my peers. I was empathetic and forgiving towards people who didn’t deserve it. Honestly, I felt like an average nobody, but my experience in high school was nothing of that sort. Looking back at it, I was different and I was living a life that was not true to myself. Reflecting on it all, I feel like it was the origin story of a main character,

So what has changed since then? Short answer, a fucking lot. Currently, I am a fresh college graduate! I lived in the city and a lot happened over the past four years. I moved back into my parents house for the time being while I find a job, which sucks but it’s only temporary. I am so much more confident and I found myself. I transformed throughout college, and it’s crazy how different I am today compared to 2020 me. I realized my worth, and I began to notice my talents. Remember how I was comparing myself to my college peers? Turns out that each and every one of us had something that we excelled in. I believe that my innate creativity made me stand out both in my work and in the way I present myself. Also, I absolutely do not believe that I’m an average nobody. My identity and background literally makes it impossible for me to be an average nobody. I was raised in India, in a conservative high school, in which I was the only openly gay kid. Not a lot of people have that exact identity in college. I felt proud to have this identity because that struggle has given me personality traits that a lot of people do not have. It makes me a good judge of character honestly. My closest friends today, gay and from different parts of India, have similar identities, and let me tell you we stand out – even in the US where everyone is so driven by their self expression and personal identity. I’ve also learned that there aren’t a lot of gay Indian people. A friend of mine said, “Yeah that only gay Indian people I know are you, Tan (my bestie), and that one guy you hooked up with” *facepalm*

My queerness plays a huge part of my identity, and back in high school I was ashamed of it. Straight brown guys would avoid me like the plague, and spoiler alert, they still do. What has changed though, is that I no longer have the ability to give a flying fuck about what these guys think about me. Throughout my years in college, I have interacted with these straight brown guys, and I will say, there are a lot more guys who are nice and accepting. There are still those guys who call your sense of style “strange” and call you the F slur behind your back. You can truly feel their judgement by the way you get stared at. To be honest, if you are getting these judgmental looks it probably means you’re doing something right. It feels uncomfortable at times, but their thoughts and beliefs don’t define me. It’s funny how they think they can judge you when they’re the literal copy paste of every other brown guy you see on the street. Speaking of being gay, I have a much deeper understanding of the gay community in the US compared to when I was in high school. I’ve met so many gay people, I’ve been on dates, I’ve gone clubbing, I’ve made older gay friends, and here’s what I have learned. Gay people can be so fucking judgmental. Sometimes I feel inferior or not enough because the ideal type when you’re gay in the south is a white twink. Being Indian and gay doesn’t help since there aren’t too many of us, which makes us all the more different. I’m gonna be so honest when I say this but there have been guys I easily mog who rejected me – this is literally the opinion of not just me but my close friends. I’ve learned that I can’t let these standards define me. Honestly, as I grow up, I’m starting to realize that a solid personality is so much more attractive than a pretty face with a boring character. Fortunately or Unfortunately, I have not yet been in a relationship, and I think it’s because I haven’t found anyone who can match my vibe.

Ok next up, friends. I am not in touch with too many of my high school friends, other than Rhonda – love that bitch. There are others who I will message and meet up with when we are in the same place. In fact, last December, I met up with a lot of people who I wasn’t too close with in high school. These were also the ‘popular’ kids, with whom I felt alienated when I tried to hang out with. Honestly, I had a great time. We went clubbing in India, and it was nice seeing how everyone had matured and changed. I didn’t feel left out at all, and I believe it’s because of the self-confidence I built over the past few years. I also met Rhonda, who by the way, is absolutely thriving in her dream job in LA. I am so proud of her because the career path she chose was super risky, but here she is, working full-time in Hollywood in a shit job market, while the rest of us, who picked safer paths, are unemployed as fuck. I am so proud of her and I know that she’s gonna be a lifelong friend of mine. I have made so many friends in college, and the first few semesters, I tried to make as many friends as possible. However towards the end of college, I got really busy with school and my part-time job as a barista, which I learned so much from, so I spent time on fewer friendships that I truly cherished. I had the luxury of picking friendships that I wanted to sustain, which made me realize that it truly is about quality over quantity.

Another thing I found out is that I have ADHD. Add that to my identity and bitchhhh you’ll never find another like me. I remember having uncontrollable binges when it came to videogames, TV shows, and YouTube. I used to think that there was something wrong with me or that I’m lazy and can’t get anything done. Well turns out that it’s because of low dopamine levels caused by ADHD, and these would cause dopamine spikes. Also I was super depressed in college during my sophomore year, and turns out, that depression is super common for people with ADHD. Even today, I have those days in which I rot the whole day on games/TV. I don’t blame myself, it is so hard to navigate life with ADHD, and after trying ADHD meds, that reinforced how this neurodivergence can hinder a lot of things. The way I had to be nerfed with ADHD because if I was neurotypical, I feel like I would be truly unstoppable. My work in college was truly outstanding, but most of it was done super close to the deadline. It makes me wonder how much better these projects could have been if I was medicated or neurotypical. It’s ok though, I’m not upset about it or anything. Everyone has their challenges and dealing with ADHD and this complex identity is mine.

My goals have changed a bit, now that I’m older. I want to move to New York City because I feel a sense of belonging there. People are bold and fashionable, just like me. I still love music and singing, although it has been forever since I touched a piano or practiced singing. I think I’ll definitely get back to it when I have a stable job. I want to experience the next era of my life as an independent adult. Unfortunately, the shit job market is delaying that. Like what the fuck? I had to deal with covid college and when I graduate from a prestigious college with a good degree, none of these bitches are hiring. Fucking hell, I feel like my batch has had it pretty rough. Anyways, NYC is the goal, and maybe LA, if the universe decided to send me there. We’ll see what happens.