I feel like the most useless human being on the planet. When I think about the people I know, everyone has some really good and distinct skills. People are amazing at art, music, public speaking, programming, etc, etc. Like literally everyone is so talented? I don’t feel like I have any distinct skills, but it may not seem like that for other people. I play the piano fairly well, and I guess I can draw. I’m really trying to sing tho, and I think this whole ‘revelation’ that I’m useless came from today’s super shitty singing practice session.

I’m gonna hop to singing for a sec now. I have these phases, like a sine graph. I have these insane peaks when all I want to do is sing, but there are these low troughs, when I don’t want to do anything, let alone sing. It’s a weird situation, and I feel like I burn myself out too quickly. Well I took a four day break from singing to play this game, and today, I returned and I felt like it sounded terrible. Mind you, I have NOT recorded myself because that last time I did, I sunk into a phase of depression, and it took forever for me to regain the confidence to sing again. I just don’t feel like I’m improving, and writing all this makes this sad feeling well up in my chest. I know I’m being impatient and I need to sing WAY more to get good, but I don’t want to wait that long. Honestly, I wish I had a sign that I was improving to help me build confidence. Maybe I get burnt out because I feel like there’s no improvement.

Basically, I just want to fucking sing well and perform ASAP. I just want Broadway so bad. I was talking to Rhonda, and she gave me some pretty good tips. Instead of wasting all my time bingeing YouTube in quarantine, I could work on skills related to music, like music production. I might make my own songs? I’ll post them here for sure. I just need to force myself to practice my singing so that I can reach my end goal of performing.

Going back to feeling useless – I need to do something productive with my damn life! I say that I will, but I end up wasting time. I realize that I fucked up when it’s super late, and then I’m like “Tomorrow will be better.” But honestly, I feel like I’m at the cusp of getting my shit together. I have a good feeling that I’ll spend the rest of my quarantined summer well., but I may be wrong. I’ll make an update post for that.

I feel like blogging is a nice outlet for me. I really like pretending like I’m talking to someone because, let’s be honest, my friends would HATE me if I burden them with all my problems.

So I think I got my point across. I feel useless, I need to get my shit together, and I need get good at music before college. I don’t know if it works out, but I’m going to make an oath, right here, right now.

I will spend my time wisely to develop skills, like singing, that will help me in the long run. I will work hard and focus on my singing and try to keep myself motivated. My future self will thank me for this.

So that’s all I wanted to say!