You should watch this video, it pretty much describes how I’ve been feeling.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m throwing away my time like it’s free. I can’t stand doing my school work. I hate it so much. so much. I hate the sight of my economics textbook, the thought of physics makes me want to hurl, and I feel lost in my math class. Going to school is like torture. I hate the subjects I take, I wish I took better subjects.

I’m applying to college this year. My applications are suffering because of me. Everything is last minute, and I need to stop doing that. I need to get slapped in the face by realization; I’m taking things way too easily.

My friends still kinda suck, I don’t blame them. Just to be clear, I have friends, but I’m not in a group. When I try to involve myself in a group, I feel like if I dropped dead at that very moment, nobody would realize. It’s got to the point where I’m really doubting myself as a human being. Why do people dislike me? Is there something wrong with me? Vijay’s a bitch. She just needs to pick on me when she gets the chance doesn’t she? I can’t look past all the pain she caused me. It hurts even more when your friends still hang out with her, after all the shit she did to me.

My insecurities pretty much control me. I avoid mirrors. I feel like every single person around me is so beautiful, I just feel like that ugly smudge on a masterpiece of a painting.

I want a bright future for myself. I want to get casted in a Broadway show. I want to create a Youtube channel. I want to be a part-time designer. I want to be an entrepreneur. What I’m doing right now makes me feel like I’m straying from my goals. All these school assignments are due right before midterms and college app deadlines. Everything is due. But I’m doing nothing. I feel like an empty juice pouch, drained and tossed in the trash. And I can’t get myself out.

I stopped singing. I just have too many things to do. I want to start so bad, but I’ve got important exams coming up. But honestly, if I could replace my Youtube time with singing, I would be a professional. I say I have a lot of shit to do, but I still binge Youtube, and I fuck everything up. Then I get no time to sing or do anything productive. I’ve got no excuses, I do this to myself.

It’s a drug, and it’s killing me. I go without it for maybe 3 days, then the impulse controls me and lures me back into the digital world. I’m watching my life away. It’s so damn hard to stop. At this point, I just don’t feel like trying anymore.

The lyrics of the song really hit me.

“I’m invisible to bright lights
Just standing on the sideline waiting for a standing ovation
That I know just isn’t mine”

I watched my friends sing and perform yesterday. That feeling of “I could’ve been there” is the worst feeling in the world. I was standing in the crowd, hoping one day to be under that spotlight. I lived vicariously through their experiences, but that just flooded with me with regret and pain.

Self-pity is poison. But it’s comforting. I know I should stop, but I don’t want to be happy today. I don’t deserve to be happy until I reach my dream.

My life is like a sine graph, but the peaks are sparse. I had only one this year. My life is sinking in the trough. 2019 has been the worst year of my life, and I can’t fucking wait to say bye. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I hope things work for me, otherwise, I might as well give up and live an average, dull life.