About 3 years ago, I fell in love with music. My perspective entirely transformed, and I felt like I found meaning or purpose in life.
About 3 years ago, I was an awkward little boy, who was terrified about what people think about him. I literally had never sung before in my life. It was then my insecurities sprouted to become the forest of self-insecurity today.
About 3 years ago, I left a small piece of paper on my mother’s desk, asking her to help me find my voice by getting me a singing teacher. As dumb as this may sound, it was the hardest thing that an awkward, self-conscious kid could have done. I had this mental block against singing and being vulnerable to my parents, I don’t know why.

Till early this year, my dream was to become a huge pop star. I wanted to tour the world, singing my songs, and having fans who love my voice. I constantly visualized it until I knew it would happen. That ‘if’ became a ‘when.’ I was so convinced that I was going to make it that I kinds got overconfident and barely practiced. As embarrassing as it sounds, I thought I was pretty good. I could hear myself sing, and it wasn’t even bad! Well, at least I didn’t hate what I heard. I kept thinking, “Oh, I have a lot of time before I make it big”, so I assumed I had time. But that meaning of ‘time’ changed overnight when I had mustered the courage to record myself singing. Just like that, with a tap on the play button, I was traumatized. What I heard was an abomination. I realized that I had wasted so much time not practicing because I thought I was good.

I stopped singing for a long while after that.

After my midterms, during my summer, I got introduced to musical theatre. And I fell in love for the second time. But this time, it was different. I always liked drama and acting, and combining it with music was something I never considered. Suddenly, my dreams of being a pop star changed into becoming a Broadway star. And that feeling of purpose and meaning grew stringer than ever.

I was singing during this time, but not consistently. I was practicing one day, and I remembered something my teacher had told me. He said that if I slack off and skip singing days, I will see no progress. Time was running out, especially since I want to major in musical theatre. I think something must’ve clicked because, since the end of July, I sang as frequently as I could. I pushed myself, and I could see improvements finally!

Today, I am pushing hard as ever, even through the times of extreme discouragement. There are always times when I feel like giving up because of how much I hate my voice. In fact, one painful realization happened the day before yesterday. I was singing in my music class, and I felt discouraged and sad, and my singing was pretty bad, and I knew it. Then I proceeded to record it. Recording yourself when you know you sound like shit it a bad, BAD idea. After class, I listened to the recording, and for a second, I might’ve considered killing myself. It was nasal and terrible. In fact, the word ‘terrible’ would be an incredible understatement. In fact, the word ‘incredible’ is such a weak word to describe how much of an understatement the word ‘terrible’ is.

One thing that I didn’t do like I did earlier this year was quit. I know I still sound like shit. I know I’m going to have to work my ass off for this. Because I belong on Broadway.

I am a fortunate guy. I got the smart genes from my parents, and I have some wonderful and genuine features. I am sensitive, kind, funny, social, and mentally stable (most of the time). Being creative, and I could make a phenomenal designer or architect. I could just focus on using these advantages and create a life for myself. But that’s not what my heart aches for. Since I was given all these advantages, I need to have some drawbacks or disadvantages to compensate. And my disadvantage is my extremely underdeveloped and terrible voice that I am working on. To some people, my struggle may seem like such a dumb thing to cry about. But to me, it’s the purpose of my life.

Right now, I may be a not so great singer, but I am going to work the hardest I ever have in my entire life to make my voice sound amazing. I don’t think my voice is as terrible as it was when I started, but I know that I’m not there yet. I know I’m gonna make it on Broadway. I am not going to fucking give up because this is what I want in my life.

Now in a few years, my dream changes and I don’t want to be on Broadway anymore, do not think I never made it. When I use the words ‘make it,’ I don’t mean get big on Broadway but achieve my life’s goal. Right now it’s Broadway, but if it changes in the future, that doesn’t mean I failed. Whatever my dream is, I’m going to make it.