I’m Maxime, 16, and I have a sad life. I’m an aspiring musician who isn’t good enough. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super privileged to have been born into such a caring family, and I should be happy. But, I don’t have an outlet to express myself, except in music, which I’m unfortunately not good enough at.

Let’s being in Middle school where the problems begin. Sixth grade and Seventh grade were alright. I was a very antisocial, awkward and shy guy and I didn’t mind that, at least I didn’t mind that then. Although, I didn’t have too many friends and my only friends (and their leader, Bob) used to tease me quite a bit. It became so extensive that when they picked on someone else, I’d tease them too, just so that I don’t get targeted. (Keep in mind that teasing is not equal to bullying, but this teasing was just too much for a small kid) I remember once, on my birthday in seventh grade, some kid was cheating in laser tag, and me, being the competitive child I am, got annoyed. After the game, I was literally cornered by everyone at that party, who were manipulated by Bob, and was being abused at for being a spoilsport. I’m sorry, but a 12-year-old can’t handle being ganged up on, on his birthday, so I stormed out sobbing. It got worse. The next few weeks of school, people would not stop teasing me for crying and running off. That sucked. Every friend group I was in, no matter how small, would always forget about me like I was an invisible dead weight. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t do anything. All this was the source of my insecurity and lack of self-confidence.

Eighth grade was a weird time. The only good thing was that I met Avi (stubborn but super caring and sweet, accepting, confident), one of my closest friends today. A lot of my ‘friends’ from sixth and seventh grade left to the US and forgot about me. And I was stuck with a person who plays a significant role in my life, let’s say his name is Ham. Ham (egotistical, loud, thought he was Mr. steal yo girl, self-obsessed and arrogant) was the center of attention, and he picked on me along with this really creepy guy called Raj (really annoying, bully, rude and stubborn). It got really weird at times, especially when they said something really offensive that included my sister. In addition to that, Raj legitimately made me ten times more self-conscious one day but asking strangers to distinguish the more attractive one of us. I’ve got so many more weird stories, but that’s for another post. So these guys teased me a lot. They ditched me so many times it hurt. What also sucked is that every secret I told anyone was spread around, by Ham and Raj, until it came back to me, along with unbearable embarrassment. I could’ve stayed away from them and got new friends, but I was antisocial and extremely introverted. So I had to go to school and get teased every day. Fun. All this was the source of my lack of self-love and my trust issues.

When I moved into high school, 9th and the beginning of 10th grade were the absolute worst. In the summer of eighth grade, Avi introduced me to Eksae (sweet, kind, extra, drama queen, love) and realized we were going to be in the same class. So my only friend was Eksäe. I love her. I love her. I love her. She was the absolute best friend I have ever had. There was something that just clicked, and we became best friends. We were so close that people thought we were dating. (little did they know…) We told each other everything, and we made a pact called the Melissa Pact, which was created to ensure our friendship for life. (Spoiler alert: Melissa died) She was also the first-ever person I told that I am gay. So 9th grade was okay. However, Eksäe couldn’t just hang out with me 24/7. She had other friends. And during the time she was gone, guess who had no friends? Me. Ham got jealous of me because I was so close to Eksäe (He liked her) and the teasing never stopped. A few months into 9th grade, Avi left our friend group, and that fragile group fell apart when Raj left. That was a bittersweet moment, Raj was gone, but that meant I was alone. So for the rest of grade 9, I had no one except for Eksäe, but I was happy when I was with her. Also, in January of grade 9, I got a feeling where I wanted to learn to sing. That’s when my passion for music began. However, since I was a shy guy, I didn’t ask my mom for vocal lessons until the summer.

Fast forward to 10th grade, probably the happy years of life. I met Lexi and Ritz and cut out Ham from my life. One day, while eating at our lunch table, Ham spat while talking and I made a joke out of it (He just spits a lot while talking). He then had the audacity to voluntarily spit a massive ball of spit right at my face. I had enough. I got up, stormed, and sat at a table where Eksäe, Lexi, and Ritz were seated. Trust me, it took me a great deal of courage to sit at that table. I ranted about what had happened and ever since then, I’ve been sitting at Lexi and Ritz’s table. We became best friends. Further down the line, I met Hannah. She wrote Tay Tay my bae all over my school diary, and that’s basically how we became friends. She also became one of my best friends. Eksäe also became an even closer best friend of mine, and I loved her to bits. The only reason I could talk to these new people was that I went to a confident communicator class, where I was forced to become more confident, and I loved it. So the first half of grade 10 was pretty decent.

The Igcse boards approached closer. Eksäe and Hannah cut me out because they were stressed for these final exams. It made me especially sad that Eksäe cut me out, but I thought it would get better. Plus, I had Ritz and Lexi. This was the beginning of a tragic path of pain.

During the summer of 11th grade, I was loaded with internships. That made me extremely stressed. Also, there were piles of SAT work. I expected my friends and me to meet up during the summer. And I had made many proposals and plans to do so, but they just ended up with big fat rejection. The worst part is that I saw on Eksäe, Hannah and Lexi’s story, on Instagram, that they were partying throughout and making new friends without me and it hurt. Eksäe stopped Skype calling me, and I felt ignored. I told her very subtly that she was hurting me by ignoring me, and she got mad. We met and tried to resolve it, but we both knew that nothing got fixed. Eksäe had changed. She looked at me in a completely different way that I hated. I missed the 9th grade us.

When 11th grade started, I knew I had to make new friends, and I did. I met Shashi, Paululuh, Abhi, Vijay, and a bunch of other new kids, and I seemed and felt popular for once. But there was also sadness. A couple of my close friends moved out, including Ritz, who grew so close to me and I miss her every day. Hannah got bored with me and made new friends. Something was missing from my relationship with Eksäe. She changed. And so, I only had Lexi. As the days went by, Eksäe and started fighting and eventually talked it out, concluding that we both changed and that “We’d be there for each other.” So the beef between Eksäe and I was cleared, but there was still something missing from our relationship. She continued to forget about me in school, never called me, posted new pictures with other people, and when we talked, there would be an uncomfortable silence, or she’d just talk about how she loves someone else. And so, I watched Eksäe slowly drift away from me, breaking my heart into a million pieces. There was never a day where my heart ached for her.

Today was Eksäe’s birthday party. I was invited. It was a terrible day. She ignored me. I barely spoke to her. The party was fun because I spent time with Shashi, Paululuh, Abhi, and Vijay, but after they left, I was invisible. At the after-party, no matter how hard I tried to be in the conversation, I was cut off or never heard. Hannah and Lexi didn’t talk to me either. They were too busy making friends with other people. What’s even more annoying is that those other people didn’t realize I existed, no matter how hard I tried to talk to them. They were too busy making friends while they ignored their once ‘best friend.’ Eksäe came later to the after-party, and when I saw her, I went to give her a hug with my arms open because I was so depressed about being ignored and she walked right passed me and didn’t even look at me. My already broken heart broke even more.

Eksäe was my best friend. I was replaced by Hannah. So Eksäe and Hannah are now best friends. Eksäe and I were best friends. Now, we’re just friends. The way her attitude changed towards me just makes me cry. She speaks to everyone with a huge smile and with significant interest,  but with me, she speaks with her phone in her hand and with boredom. When I try to make a joke, she doesn’t laugh like she used to, and when I cry, she tells me to get over it rather than comfort me like she used to. Hannah got bored with me. She actually treats me like I’m invisible when I’m sitting right next to her. Lexi is just social. She can’t stay away from socialization. So guess who’s lonely again. Surprise it’s me.

It’s impossible to write a post about how I’m feeling. All this just scratches the surface. If I could write everything I feel, I might as well write a 7 book series that people would actually read  (probably not).

Today I’ve learned that no matter what, nobody will be there for me. It’s just me against the world. I put too much into other people and get nothing back in return. Last year, I got Eksäe a 50 dollar necklace saying how much she meant to me, and I got a chocolate bar in return for my birthday. I spent so much time getting Eksäe a gift and wrapping it and writing a heartfelt message only to be ignored entirely. During that party, I was looking after all those drunk people and asking their friends how they were, only to be ignored completely in that stupid after-party where I actually spoke so loud trying to be noticed. And then I just gave up. I guess I’m not cool enough, not funny enough, not entertaining enough, not trendy enough, not exciting enough, not attractive enough, not popular enough. Not good enough.

Is this what I deserve?